Simon and his band

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  Posted by Simonebee October 18, 2018 - Filed in Real Life - 36 views
  

  I am making a blog post of my little explanation, since it would be impossible to post this otherwise here on EE. I have been going on about my life and my current crisis for quite a while now, and many of you may be sick and tired of listening to it. However, I hope this sheds a little light on the matter.

  I understand it must be hard for you to understand why it so difficult to sever ties to my ex, or what kind of mess my life actually is. The whole thing isn't merely about my social life, hobby life or career. It's a combination of all of them.

  Think of it... as a band.

  (And just for the record: this is _a metaphor_. I don't really have a band.)

  Think of it as a tight group of people who stick to together, work together and party together. Plus a bunch of other people around it. The band was started by me about fifteen years ago, and even though every other member of the band has been replaced over and over I have stayed to steer it, because it's more or less my life's work.

  Think of my ex as a girl who came along as a chorus singer or a tambourine player a few years ago. We started to date and bit by bit she rose in the ranks finally becoming the bass player and rather well known face on the band. She was a messed-up case and after I had kept her hear together for two years she realized she wanted out. That I wasn't enough for her.
  
  When our break-up was inevitable we agreed the we must stay as friends, otherwise the band will suffer. I also understood she had as much right to continue in the band as me, after working quite hard to get where she was now.

  What she did instead, was becoming my official opposition in the band. Everything I did was wrong, she didn't like the direction the band was going, and seemed to think we should change the whole image of the band to get more young fans. She was, after all, twenty years younger than me.

  I gritted my teeth. A big summer tour taking up most of summer 2018 was approaching, the biggest thing this band had ever done. Secretly I feared it would be my swan song, and the band would replace me after it was done. After all, I felt my ex had tried to smoke me out ever since our break-up.

  I thought I could handle it. However, last summer, as I was putting the tour together, my ex thought it would be a good idea for her to start dating another member of the band before my very eyes.

  That is something I still found hard to understand, the fact the woman I once loved could be cruel and selfish. People can date whoever they wish, but didn't it occur to her how shitty the situation would be for me? Then again, all through our relationship I had to be the one who had explained her what taking other people's feelings into consideration means. 

  I know I would have never, ever had the guts, or audacity, to start dating a girl under her nose, even though it was she who dumped me, not the other way around. Not even as a band-aid relationship, or as a way to get back at her. I am not like that. I would have been too... I don't know, ashamed. But she didn't have any kind of problems with it.
  
  I cannot help but seeing the situation somewhat unfair. My ex had a Tinder full of matches, and a dozen social circles to choose from, with me having only one. Still, she had to get a girlfriend among the small number of people I have work with, and see regularly. Every single week.

  In the summer they tried to be discreet about it, even though what was happening was painfully clear to me. In fact, according another band member they apparently _still_ believe I don't have a clue they date. Which is almost an insult to my intelligent. How blind or stupid they think I am? 

  On the whole I suppose I could have been able to get over her, the way I have done with all my previous ex's. The difference is I didn't have to keep seeing my previous ex's regularly after our break-up, since they all had the sense to change scenery. The latest ex, however, haven't done such thing.

  I don't love my ex anymore, quite the opposite. In fact I wish she would be... gone. Just gone, way or another. Because every time I see her, and how happy she is I am reminded how sorry and pathetic my own life is.

  Getting over her, success and being happy is the best revenge I can have, you say. In my situation, however, the way to do that is working _in the band_. Everything in my life revolves around it in way or another: my social life, my ambitions, everything. 

  As far as the band dynamics go, nothing has changed. My ex still has as much rights to be in the band as me. And the only person who has problems with the situation is me. I don't want to leave the band, partly because it is my life's work, but also because I it would have no way of sustaining itself economically, without me. It's a fact everyone knows.

  So basically the only thing for me to do is to be a man (heh) about the whole thing, grow up and grit my teeth. And I have tried to do just that. But somehow I feel I am running out of strength to do so anymore. Especially since the summer tour drained me much of it.

  And yes, we have reached the stage where even those members of the band (or people around it) who have nothing to do with the whole sorry mess have realized something is very wrong. Me skipping a social gathering after another is something people notice, I'm being told. But I'm just too tired of being hurt, again and again.

  Perhaps that is the reason I found the message my ex sent me a couple of days ago so offending. She is concerned how "people find it unpleasant there is friction between us". In other words, she is interested in how "people" find the situation, and perhaps see her, not the way I feel. I should put away my own pain, keep on pretending everything is okay and start visiting our social gatherings again to make "people" feel good?

  What am I supposed to do? I cannot tell anyone to leave the band, even if I wanted to, especially since I know the band wouldn't be able to find a replacement bass player either. I cannot tell anyone to stop dating. I cannot leave the band, because it would mean destroying something a great number of people value highly.

  (Even though I fantasize about it. Boy, do I fantasize about it. That would teach them. Are you happy now? You don't have the stupid, nice, faithful Simon to kick around anymore, it's all gone. You know how a vengeful mind works.)

  I know the only sensible thing (if we count out the rock'n roll way out, which Mistress Erika was very much against) would be sit down with my ex, and tell her how much her actions keep on hurting me and how hard it is for me to continue, and what me quitting the band would mean.

  But at the moment the mere thought of even being in the same room or hearing her voice fills me... well, disgust. Disgust and hate that makes rational thinking rather difficult right now.